Avengers: Infinity Condom
by Bubalubagus
Summary: Thanos unleashes a new power on the earth, and an old friend they thought was dead must stop him, but will he blossoming feelings for another superhero hinder his progress? Read to find out


In the aftermath of the fight with Thanos, the Avengers return to earth, some of their closest allies gone along with half the population. How, how could they continue on in this era of grief? The answer is that heroes just can't afford to let anything drag them down, they had to remain vigilant, and they were right to do so, just when it seemed as if things couldn't get any worse, Thanos gained a new weapon in addition to the infinity gauntlet…. The infinity condom.

Captain America was staying at his shitty apartment in Albuquerque whenever he had to take a massive shit, probably from the food poisoning he got from eating at the local pub called Mr. Fuck's Fuck Diner. He got up slowly, if he moved to fast he might puke, and ambled to the bathroom where he prepared to take this massive dump.

Do you ever take a shit where it just come out so fast that your body's like "Oh shit what the fuck was that?" and there is like, an aching feeling in your now empty sphincter, you can feel air all the way up your ass for the first time because it's so wide now, and that just makes it hurt more because your asshole is really sensitive. This was one of those shits, and Captain America was doubled over on the toilet, sweating as he grabbed onto the sink for support. He screamed in agony as he farted uncontrollably with little shotgun blasts of shit coming out with them at random intervals, his butthole quivered violently as he sprayed shit all in the toilet bowl.

His ass started to really hurt, he couldn't stop shitting himself, this…. This wasn't food poisoning, this was something much more sinister, it was as if he could feel something within his ass. He thought it was shit at first, but now he realized the fullness he had in his as wasn't shit at all, the sensation of something moving in there which he thought was just the shit moving out of his ass, and the stretching and awful pains he was experiencing.

He didn't have food poisoning, he was being raped in the ass! Captain America screamed in agony once more as he felt his ass be stretched even wider, he couldn't beat this power, he needed help. "Antonio! Antonio can you hear me? Please Antonio! You're the only one here who can help me! After all of the times we've shared here, after I poured my heart out to you in this very room while I took a shit. After you listened to me so patiently and graciously, was that all an act Antonio? Did you ever really love me?" Captain America screamed at a spider in a web in the upper corner of his bathroom.

"Dammit Antonio….. I thought you were my friend." said Captain America as he prepared to accept his infinite ass fucking, but that's when his second wind came in. He had to get to the living room, that was were he left his communicator, he needed to contact the other Avengers, but he hadn't realized the trap he set up for himself. In his agony, Captain America had sweated out of his body a huge puddle of water, the second he tried moving he slipped on it and fell backwards.

Captain America's head landed right in his own shit in the toilet, he had only made the problem worse, he was now being raped in the ass while he drowned in his own shit. 'N-no… this can't be how I go…. Not like this….' thought Captain America, but at that moment he felt the ass fucking stop as he was pulled out of the toilet.

Panting and covered in shit Captain America's eyes burst open as soon as he felt the fresh air of not being covered in poop, he saw the Avengers gathered with grim expressions on their faces. Iron man held out his hand and helped CA (Captain america so I don't have to keep typing it out) stand up. "H-How did you know I was in trouble?" he asked.

"Somebody sounded the alarm" said Iron Man, CA looked over to see a spider sitting on top of his communicator "Antonio! You really do care! Thank you so much!" said CA, Antonio responded with a wink from one of his many eyes, but soon after he started acting erratically "Antonio? What's wrong? Why are you acting like that?" asked CA.

CA and the other Avenger watched in horror as Antonio started disintegrating right in front of him "Antonio NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed CA as he watched his best friend die. It was then that Thanos revealed himself "Fools, first I acquired the infinity gauntlet, and now I have the infinity condom as well!" said Thanos.

"Th-The infinity condom?" asked CA "Indeed, could you even imagine the power I currently wield? I could fist you with the infinity gauntlet and then fuck you with the infinity condom!" Thanos said "How does the infinity condom even work?" asked Iron Man "I could rape half of the beings in the universe!" declared Thanos.

"Why half if it's infinite?" asked Iron Man "Because that's my plan" replied Thanos "You just want to rape half of the living beings? Why not every being that will ever exist?" asked Iron Man "Because that's not my plan" replied Thanos.

"If the infinity condom is truly infinite then could you rape people in the past as well?" asked Bruce Banner (Hulk) "Yeah but I just want to rape the future." answered Thanos "So theoretically you could rape everyone who has ever existed, everyone who currently exists, and everyone who will exist simultaneously for all of eternity?" asked Bruce "Pretty much" Thanos responded.

"Wait, hol up nigga, can you rape fictional beings?" asked Black Panther "Didn't you die?" asked CA "Yeah, I could" said Thanos, answering Black Panther who was somehow alive "Oh shit, so if I steal that condom then Natsuki chan will finally be mine!" said Black Panther "Hah, and you fools acted like it was such a bad idea" said Thanos.

"Wait, Thanos, if I help you, will you let me use the Infinity condom at least once? If I misuse it you can always just kill me with the infinity gauntlet." suggested Black Panther "Black Panther, are you betraying us?" asked Iron Man "You may do as you please" said Thanos, and BP sprung into action, attacking CA immediately.

When BP made contact with him he slipped on the shit still covering CA's head and was unable to land a clean strike "Natsuki chan will be mine! A doki doki body pillow will only satsify me for so long!" he said, but before he could attack CA again Iron Man swept in to stop him by blasting him away.

"I wouldn't turn on us if I were you" said Iron Man "And why is that? Just look at who I'm working with, if god is with me who can be against me?" asked BP, Iron Man proceeded to project what looked like a hologram of a Natsuki body pillow "Where is your god now?" asked Iron Man "No! Where did you get that?" asked BP "If you hurt my waifu I cannot be held responsible for what I'm going to do to you!"

At that moment, time seemed to slow down as the natsuki body pillow fell and hit the ground, it was hard from all of the semen BP had ejaculated onto it in the past, so it shattered completely when it landed. "Nooooooooooooooooo!" screamed BP, Iron Man ended the Hologram transmission, his work was done.

"H-How could you do this to my Waifu? I…. I'll kill you!" said BP "Yes!" said Thanos "Kill them and I'll let you see your precious waifu once again!" BP charged angrily towards CA and Iron Man with renewed determination, he would see Natsuki again…. No… not again, he would finally meet her for the first time, the real Natsuki, not a body pillow.

"Black Panther please don't do this!" said CA "You lost your waifu, I know that's hard, just a few moments ago, I lost somebody too, Thanos can help you, but we both know he won't, he's evil, don't side with him." "What are you trying to say?" asked BP "I'm saying that we're not alone if we still have each other, if you're single, and I'm single…. Well, it embarrasses me to say, but I could be your waifu." said CA.

"Nigga unless you is 4'11" and got pink hair then you ain't my waifu." said BP "Listen man we're all each other have! Do you want this or not?" asked CA, BP was silent, contemplating his choices "Whoever is the swolest motherfucker in this bitch can have me, so go wild." he finally said.

Immediately after hearing those words Bruce transformed into Hulk, dick out ready to fuck BP, but Thanos wouldn't have it "I'm the biggest nigga here!" he said before erasing Hulk from existence "HUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!" said Hulk in a deep raspy yet nasally howl as he disintegrated.

"Looks like it's just you and me now." said Thanos to CA "Actually Iron Man is still here." he said, only for Iron Man to immediately get erased "I will be the swolest nigga" said Thanos "No, you won't, and neither will I, this was all a distraction." said CA as BP slipped the Infinity Condom off of Thanos' cock.

"Black Panther is the swolest one, and now he'll fuck you for eternity for the crimes you've committed." said CA, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Thanos as he was fucked hard in the ass, he floated up in the air, BP's dick wasn't even inside him yet still he was getting fucked off of the ground, you could see right into his asshole, watching it grow small then big again as an invisible force penetrated him in his deepest hole over and over, in and out in and out, eventually it was too much for Thanos to bear as cracks began to form in his body, beams of light shot out as he burst and disintegrated.

"Even though he is dead, his soul will continue to be fucked for as long as I please, that is the power I have obtained." said BP "That's hot, kind of makes me want to try it." said CA "Oh yeah baby I've been after that big, ol, red white and blue ass ever since I saw it, lemme see what a real American dick taste like." said BP "Don't worry, I've been dying to taste Nigger dick too." responded CA.

"You guys know I'm still here right?" said Black Widow "Ye" said CA and BP in unison "So… you guys are gay?" she said "Ye" they said once more "You don't like pussy?" she asked "Naw, pussy straight up peepee sauce, Boy Pussy is much better." said BP, his dick was already out from having to fuck thanos, but he turned it towards CA to fuck him to, except unlike Thanos they would both be enjoying this.

CA turned and bent over, his hairy ass cheeks spreading, still covered in shit because he didn't have a chance to wipe, but that was fine, the shit should act as a lubricant for BP's BBC, god knows CA was going to need it if he wanted to take this cock. "Oh yeah, finally, no one but you and me, I've been waiting for this, now fuck me hard." said CA. His face looked like he was trying to be serious, but was so filled with ecstasy that he looked like he would burst if he tried holding back his horniness anymore.

BP slowly held his dick up to CA's asshole, savoring every suspenseful moment before entry, this was it, he was at his limit, he couldn't take it anymore, CA was so overcome with horniness that he slammed his ass onto BP's cock. There was just one problem, the second he moved onto his dick, before the head even made it in, BP's entire penis fell off of his body.

A phantom voice echoed from the beyond realm, it was Thanos "This is the true power of the infinity condom, you couldn't control it, and you took its powers too far, neutering yourself and your partner, I guess this is the closest thing to revenge I'm going to get." he said.

"Wait did he say me too?" asked CA, but his question was quickly answered with a scream as he felt his asshole twist and contort as it closed and sealed itself, no longer existing "AAUGH!" "The things we've lost to these powers, to our greed, is too much." said BP as he looked longingly down at his cock.

On the ground BP's cock started to twitch and pulse as it suddenly sprang upright, resting on its base before sprouting arms and legs, on of the arms seemed to materialize a fedora out of nowhere and put it on, along with a briefcase which he carried with him "Yall niggas are gay, you may be gay, but I'm not gay, this is an intervention from yo own dick, you aint usin me fo none of that gay shit nigga, I'm out of here." he said before walking right out the door and hailing a taxi, taking him to a better place.

"Ok but for real though you guys are just going to pretend I'm not here." said Black Widow "Listen, Black Widow, can you just give us a moment to grieve, please?" asked CA who was comforting a crying BP "If you're upset about not having genitals anymore there's a jug of Hawaiian Punch Berry Blue Typhoon in the fridge, you can just use that." she said.

"Damn bitch, why didn't you just say so? Stupid fucking whore, this is why I only fuck men." said BP "I know right, why is she even on the team?" said CA, they continued to insult her as the walked away, voices eventually fading, black widow rested her head in her hands from stress and dissatisfaction "I just wanted to get fucked by a huge superhero dick, is that too much to ask for?" she said.

Realization suddenly dawned on her face, there was still a chance, she ran out the door and hailed a taxi. Black Widow searched for Black Panther's dismembered Sentient cock for 3 months before finding him, he rejected her at first, wanting to move on from the whole avengers thing and become what he's always wanted to be, a saxaphone player, but after she wrote him a unique love letter every single day for three years he finally decided to give her a chance. Today they are married and have four children, Black Panther was made to take responsibility and is legally required to pay them child support.

63 years later

"I know this has been a long time coming, and I know you don't like it, but he is your father, I want you to see him at least once, my time is up and he won't be around for much longer either, your real father is dead, he's all that you have left, please, go see him, for me." said Black widow as she died in front of her children, well, they were all middle aged by now, but one of her kids, Fudgelius, took this to heart and decided to fulfill his mother's dying wish.

Fudgelius took a deep breath before knocking on the door of Black Panther's retirement home, but there was no answer, Fudgelius started to get nervous, he knocked again, still no answer, but he wasn't giving up. He had built up the courage to come this far, he twisted the door handle, he couldn't hear anything on the other side of the wall, he opened the door, he thought by opening it slowly it would make less noise, but it just creaked loudly, so he just decided to go all in and open the door fully.

"Dad!?" he screamed as he saw a naked 90 year old man, completely covered in wrinkles, his whole body was scrawny except for his bulging knotty looking stomach, his face was deformed as he was cockeyed, but that wasn't stopping him from doing what he needed to do. What was it that he needed to do, well, that was obvious, fuck. Yes, Fudgelius walked in as his senile, demented old father, the real black panther mercilessly fucked a Natsuki body pillow.

"I still got it!" he said "How? You don't have a penis!" said Fudgelius "Infinity is a powerful thing kid." he replied "A-Are you saying that you made the hole in the condom infinitely small to fit the tiny stub of dick you still have left?" suggested Fudgelius "Hehe YEP!" answered Black Panther in a deranged voice "And now you've increased the thickness and length of the rubber to act as a prosthetic penis?" asked Fudgelius "YEP YEP IT'S ALL TRUE!" yelled BP "What happened to your lover Captain America?" asked Fudgelius "Aids" responded BP "Aint you here to replace him? Get over here Nigga, been too long since I had a fresh boy hole to fuck."

"N-no… dad" said Fudgelius "I aint yo dad" said BP, Fudgelius had a shocked look on his face "Yeah… I guess you're right, okay, just let me get my clothes off real quick!" he said enthusiastically. 'I guess it's not incest if he doesn't know!' thought Fudgelius rushing over to start a new chapter of his life.


End file.
